Life

So, its 3:14am and Im still wired from a 6 mile yaking run and a monster. I saw the Spike TV commercial for the latest Rambo movie and the qoute "Live for nothing, die for something" had me thinking all day, what am I lviing for? I want to be payed to carry a gun and hlep people; FBI, Military, Merchanry, I dont really care. But what am I lving for now? School, work, everyones standeres and BS. Am I really living for God and what He wants me to live for? I dont feel like I have any direction right now. Im spinning my tiers, bruning gas and not making any progress. I want action, I want out of the house, I want a fight. Im young and restless.. screw realtionships and marrage and settling down. Lifes short I want adventure. I want to go back to the moutians of Alaska or the barracks of Lackland AFB. Heck Ill go back ot the dorms of GMC. I just want to move foward. To just get up and go where ever God has me going. Im to riled up to sit and wait. Im ok with waiting but give me somthing to do in the mean time. Sitting here whittling my thumps is kill me and pissing me off. Im on a short fuse because Im restless. I want to rebel against the standards and the ties people set. I want to live on the edge and do something stupid and dangerous. Life is short as it is, Jesus is coming back any day now and freaking A you never know when that next IED to go off has your name on it. Next week is camp an Im excited to go but nervous too. I havnt been in years and havnt been under Bryans leadership. I dont know who im rooming with and Im not really worried about it but I just dont want it to suck. Its camp it cant suck but alot of crap can hit the fan in that week. I want to be a leader the kids look up too and want to come to with stuff and respect. But its hard to be that guy and be restless at the same time. Im like a dog on society's leash but Ive run around in so many cirlce its slipping tighter and tighter around my neck. I dont wanna go to school, heck i freaking hate it. I dont want to answer a million questions everytime I come home. I dont want to deal with ignorate self-cenetred people. I hate what America as become. Ill fight, kill and die for her but dang if people and the government aint screwed it all up. People dont care about what soldiers do, they hate the war. All they care about is money and gay rights. Really gays? Freaking idots... I wonder what our forefathers think of all this? Must be nice only having to worry about slavery. Which leads me to something else... I AM NOT RACIST. All that freaking mother...qoufbfvibfvsib BS! I dont like ignorance. I dont like it in blacks, whites, yellow red green whatever color, I dont like stupididy and ignorecs. Yeah Im open about how I feel but I aint against one race or another. I work with and know alot of great poeple who are black. So yall just keep judging, it doesnt matter anymore. You will never understand nor will you care... just get out of my face and go kick rocks

"Day and night
I toss and turn, I keep stressing my mind, mind
I look for peace but see I don't attain
What I need for keeps this silly game we play, play
Now look at this
Madness to magnet keeps attracting me, me
I try to run but see I'm not that fast
I think I'm first but surely finish last, last"

"I know the Lord is looking at me, but yet its still hard to feel happy. I often drift when I drive, having fatal thoughts of suicide. Bang and get it over with and then Im worry free, but that's none sense.."